#110: a tale of two decisions

 It was the best of decisions, it was the worst of decisions. 

There's nothing like lying awake agonizing decisions made long ago. There are two keeping me up at night currently, both somewhat related and yet not. 

The first decision, made nearly 20 years ago, was one that, at the time, seemed for the best. It was made in respect to someone I loved and cared about very much; it was thought better for them, a better environment, more stable, more.... I don't know. Just more. I cried for days after making this decision; I hadn't wanted to make that decision; but felt it was "for the best" for them. Seeing how this person has grown into the potential I knew they could be made me okay with that decision. Until about a month ago. 

The second decision was made 6 years later; similar sitch; just different faces and different places. The South was a backward place and I didn't want the subject of this decision to have to deal with that. I was okay with this decision, too. Was. 

It's keeping me up at night because the life of the subject of the first decision turned into a nightmare at some point, and I have had no idea. I feel horrible; no one told me. There are the "if only's": if only I had kept more in touch. If only someone had told me sooner. If only, if only, if only.... I am angry; and speaking as someone who has difficulty identifying her own emotions at times, this speaks volumes. 

This in turn has made me question my second decision. I lost touch with the folks involved in the second decision. Are they okay? Where are they now? I don't know. And no idea  where to look. At most all I can do is hope that wherever they may be, things are going good. 🤞 maybe one day I will be able to track them down. 

Decisions, decisions. 

Aye,

Kraneia