Because bad taste is better than no taste at all.....

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

#308: Spring cleaning

Spent this morning picking through some audio cassette tapes (remember those?) to see what, if any, I could get rid of. I managed to find the songs I wanted off of them, and into the Goodwill pile they went. I still have a few I need to sort out, and then I'll have a box that I can store something else in. Or maybe I'll find another home from the box, as well--it was the packaging from a Christmas gift from ex-relatives I was not comfortable associating with, and as that part of my life is over, maybe it's time to sift those things, too.

I suspect Dent and myself have run out of things to say to one another. Well, I suspect this happened some time ago; when you call someone at every single break and say the same things at 2:30 that you did at noon, and this was said at 10:00 am as well, it gets redundant. Especially when this happens every. Single. Day.  Yet, he told me the four scariest words from me would be "we need to talk".  Even though I have tried to reassure him, time and again, should I say this, it doesn't mean he's in trouble, or that I'm leaving, or any such bullshit. It just means, simply, that we need to talk. That's it. Why do men make it so complicated when it doesn't need to be?

So he talks about the same old things, and I say nothing. Half the time I am tuning it out when he calls. This is not a good sign for a relationship, is it?

Maybe we need to talk.

my dorky self, complete with braids
My hair has gotten quite long. Not as long as fifteen years ago, when I was married, but still a lot longer than I've been letting it grow.  I probably won't let it go too much longer though. It's just below my shoulder blades now, and that seems to be a pretty good length to stop at, at least while I'm pushing hamburgers for a job.

Last Saturday was spent driving up to a small "Alternative book store", and a place where you can pay to pan for gold (?)  up towards the mountains. The latter place I wasn't impressed with, once we actually found it (the online directions were wrong and had me driving in the opposite direction from where I needed to go) . I hinted to Dent that, should he ever get his truck "highway worthy"  (he doesn't trust it for long trips, which is why I was driving), he'd have a place to go play while I am at work (and by extension, something to do, should I ever do travel). He agreed, which pretty much means it will never happen.

Or perhaps he is tuning me out, as well.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

#307: baby steps

Tiny, tiny baby steps, a few at a time.

Today I took my tax refund check and started a savings account. It wasn't much, but it's a start. Hopefully there will be a good chunk saved up when the time comes.

I also unloaded some more unnecessary and unused things. I packed a small box with anime VCR tapes and mailed them to a friend who still collects that kind of thing (I no longer have a VCR, and anyway most of this stuff you can get on DVD now anyway.) One of the tapes got a little dinged up in transit, but the packaging was OK, which is what I was really sending them for anyway. I need to find some "forever homes" for some of my stuffed animals now--they're raccoons, so if you know anyone who collects them, let me know. My only request is that they not be used as dog toys (some of them are "rescues" from Walmart, too cute to let someone let their dog chew on it!), otherwise I'd of taken them to Goodwill and be done with it.

I think I may have waited too long to attempt to plant my tomato seedlings. They pretty much wilted as soon as I had them planted in the buckets outside. I guess I will have to go for the pre-sprouted ones again, if I expect to get any 'maters this season.

At the moment, it is raining. I guess I shouldn't complain as it's washing some of the pollen out of the air (my car has gone from red to yellow to red again!) But it just makes me all the more antsy for it to warm up and stay warm, thankyouverymuch. It's warmer than it has been, but not enough for shorts. Not that that is a bad thing, I simply haven't got the legs for that any more..... but around the house will be nice. :)

Bok! bok bok bok!
Easter was fairly quiet. I was (surprisingly) off that day, so Dent and I got semi-dooded up and went (where else?) to Walmart, since the weather was nice and if we'd stayed at home we'd of ended up napping all day. The candy was pretty well picked over (not counting what the employees were starting to pack back up to send back), but I did manage to find a Cadbury bunny someone'd  hid in the back of one shelf. He clucks when you squeeze him.


Monday, February 16, 2015

#306: exhausting and exhausted

A couple of weeks ago, I rearranged the furniture in the bedroom. This isn't as difficult as it sounds; most stuff slides pretty easily across the carpet (even the uber-heavy dresser, once you take the drawers out of it). So now the computer desk is by a window. I'm staring out the window now, waiting on the bad weather to hit. They're calling for snow this evening, then an ice storm. In a way  I can't complain; we've managed to dodge a bullet mostly compared to the folks further up north. But it's even more a pain in the ass than usual.
Because once again, I have to chauffeur Dent back and forth to work. THIS time it is the exhaust system that is at fault. His catalytic converter is screwed up. He went and got a new system, spent all week trying to get the old one off of his truck (made more difficult by the fact the only way he can raise the truck to get under it is by having the truck on ramps, which only raises the thing so far....) and THEN found they'd sold him the wrong one.  And it will be Thursday before the new one comes in. So, "Scratch's Taxi" is in effect, once again. I joked the other day I needed to install a meter.
Last weekend was spent in training to be an opener. This means being at the store at 5 am on weekdays (and Saturdays), putting the broiler together (something I was apprehensive about, because there are too. many. parts.) , and doing prep work for the folks who come in for the lunch shift. I found I enjoyed this, despite having to be there at an ungodly hour, but I don't think I will be doing it much as the folks who already do breakfast are firmly entrenched and aren't willling (or able) to do other shifts. This annoys me a little. I said I could work pretty much any time, and I meant it. So guess who gets the shitty times no one else will work? Usually, it's me. Here lately,  though I've been working mids, which is OK, except I'm supposed to be training in the kitchen, and usually I'm stuck out front instead. I'm getting a little tired of being jerked around, to be honest.
I suppose it will work itself out eventually. At least I am getting a few more hours than I was. Money is a good thing. :)
In other news, I managed to find that photo from a few posts back. You know the one, where I'm smirking. I have another one I haven't scanned in, I'm much younger, and I'm scared to death of Santa. My sister is having to hold on to me to keep me from running away, and santa is holding my stuffed big bird. I'll upload that at a later date, so you can laugh at that one, too.
Stay tuned.  

Friday, January 30, 2015

#305: Oops, I forgot to get (re)married

So Dent and myself have been a pair for a few years now, and now the questions have started.

From other people. You know the questions I mean.

".............So, when you two getting married?"
"We're not?"
"Why not?"
"Why would we?"

People assume we are married, when they meet us. And act all shocked when I tell them that we are not.  As "open" as society likes to think itself to be, it still thinks along the same channels sometimes. But I tried that once. I tried being the housewifey at home with the rugrat holding onto the apron. Hated it.  Yes. I know one bad marriage shouldn't spoil the whole marriage barrel.  I am really trying to think of the other person here. Wouldn't be fair to them should they be "tied" to me. 

Because I can't commit to myself, much less to anyone else.

That's not to say I'd never get married again--but the "feeling" has to be there. Has to be right. And while I love Dent to death almost, couldn't imagine my life without him, there is a growing feeling that, at the end of the day, we might not be the best for each other. We are at different stages in our lives--mine involves checking out a map, to see where I need to go.  And his apparently means "been there, done that, got the tee shirt". 

Something, someone else in my life I may have to let go. Maybe. 

It's going to be a painful next three years, if I am right. Hope I am not.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

#304: Letting Go

So the other day I sent off a package to someone I had only met once. It was some books that had just been gathering dust on a bookshelf, and I figured she'd be getting more use out of them than I had lately.

This is a totally new thing for me, to be giving away books. Some folks would see this as a red flag or a warning sign. But, it fits in somewhat of the plan.... Because part of the next three and a half years is going to be letting go. Letting go of things I don't need, and people I don't need, and memories I don't need. Some of the letting go is going to be painful; I have accepted this, although I doubt I will be ready for it when the time comes. Because whether I move or not, there is going to be a lot of things that I will have to let go, before I can move on with the next stage of my life.

Probably one of my more difficult decisions will be whether Dent is part of the equation. As much as I'd like it to be, he isn't helping his case any, and I don't see it happening. I admit, I haven't got much done on my own list. But at least I am formulating a plan. Or trying to. Dent still hasn't cleaned up under the car port. "I need to move the lawn mower first" he says. Funny, when I cleaned under there it didn't require me to move the mower. More excuses. Yet I have noticed it's futile bringing it up again; it still won't get done, and then I feel like I am nagging. Babysitting once again. Also, he is still talking about saving up to buy this or that. What are you going to do with it if you come with me?

Another problem is letting the landparents in on the plan. As much as they appreciate having me for a tenant (and I do appreciate having THEM), this wasn't intended to be permanent. I have hinted there will be a change in 2018, but apparently it was too subtle a hint; telling them "we don't need any thing for Christmas" (I E I'm trying to reduce the amount of stuff we have, we have too much) fell on deaf ears. So telling them WHY we don't need anything would no doubt hurt their feelings--something you don't want to do to people you pay rent to. Another challenge. You see I have my work cut out for me--because they are the sweetest people I know, and even if I didn't  know them like I do, they're like a second set of parents. You just don't hurt people like that. Yet I will somehow have to figure out how to let them go.
And the time is ticking.

Stay tuned.