Because bad taste is better than no taste at all.....

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

#336: Filling in the Blanks

A couple of weeks ago, as we sat at the kitchen table after 11 pm munching spaghetti, Dent told me that if it wasn't for me, he "Wouldn't be here", meaning he'd still be stuck in that mold-trap of a duplex, eating junk food for dinner and no hope of advancement in his life.

Flattering, but not what I really wanted to hear.

I wanted to hear "Yes. I'm getting this whole school thing down and can see a way forward, I can see where I'm going in life". I had to remind him that what he's currently involved in (I E school) was for him, we weren't doing all this for me.

As I write this, he's in on his bed (his bed, not ours. Not any more.) dozing. He turned 51 the 10th. He'd looked at me and said, "You know what you can do for me on my birthday? Fix dinner like it's new year's. Because it's a new year for me...."

New years' dinner usually consists of ham, and collard greens, with cooked cabbage and blackeyed peas. And cornbread.

This was actually a sensible request, one I didn't mind fulfilling. Not some goofy tool he'd lose five minutes later (the neighbors actually filled in this blank, along with supplying a cake AND a glass pan of banana pudding.....)

I also made a pineapple upside down cake, for good measure.

He also finally noticed something. Finally. He noticed I'd changed our relationship status on FB to "It's complicated". "Honey," he said, "did you change your relationship status?"

I'd changed it to this, at least three months ago.

This time I managed to look him in the face. "Yes. Because it IS complicated."

Oddly enough, he agreed and didn't seem overly concerned. "Yes," he said. "It is complicated..."

Oh, if only you knew how complicated it is, and becoming more every day.

I've tried to simplify my life, and to some extent it's working. I have less stuff to deal with, and less stress, and have unloaded some people (mostly relatives) from my consciousness. But it isn't enough. I don't know what to do, to more forward.

Part of this involves other people. Some I'm waiting on, and some are apparently waiting on me. And I'm not sure which to choose--in either case, someone's going to get hurt. With each passing day it's like I'm going on false pretenses with the one, and the other, no doubt, thinks I'm out of my mind to not be able to make up my mind. I'm not sure there really is a right answer, unfortunately.

Never thought I'd come to the point where my life'd resemble some sort of soap opera.

People ask, What is it you want to do?" or "What is it you like to do?" and I can't answer either of these things any more. Seems like I used to know, but I don't even know who I am, what I am, any more, and seem incapable of figuring it out. My mind is a complete utter blank. I am unable to see myself for what I am, because I am unable to take a step back and take a long objective look at myself.

I am beginning to suspect I am mentally and emotionally exhausted, from nudging Dent along and getting little in return. Oh, he says "whatever you end up doing, I'm behind." but truth be told, he has little of his own energy, else he wouldn't be taking so much of mine. And I don't think he even realizes he's doing it.

And at the moment, I am unable to leave, or even halt the drain. But what else can I do? I'm waiting on the Megs anyhow, so I wasn't planning on leaving. At least, not immediately.

I have spent the past week or so with the Megs, and am amazed at how much the adult she has become. She's picked up that I am changing, and that things are changing. Dent has adopted my usage of the term "roomie", and she's picked up on this, as well. I had to ask Dent, truly and honestly, should someone ask, what do I say? Is it like, "yeah. I'm with someone at the moment, but we sleep at different ends of the house"? He seems to have accepted the whole roommate idea, but it's hard to tell whether he's really accepted it or just put a brave face on it for the sake of the Megs. But whatever. Maybe if I keep introducing it, a little at a time, the shock will be less if I did leave.........

I also got to meet my grand-niece for the first time. I'm conscious on how much time has passed, is passing, and how much more will slip away before I can do anything.

Time to fill in some blanks.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

#335: Little Sister Syndrome

There has to be a name for my condition.
There is, because I have just made it up.
Well, someone else probably has thought of it first. That's just how my luck goes. But anyway.

Someone suggested I was too used to fading into the background. I can't argue with this--in the past it's been safer to not be noticed. Problem is, that's all I really am good at, when it comes to social interaction. Because when I try to stand out, no one takes me seriously.

It doesn't help that I look like this most of the time.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind not looking my age (which is ). But it would be helpful if I didn't look *12*.

Attempts at looking older are met with mixed results. A couple of weeks ago I tried wearing a skirt. Which looked ok. But I still felt like a child wearing mommy's clothing. I am too used to wearing jeans and a tee shirt and just being the tom boy.

And people are too used to seeing a small person and just not taking much notice.

So I apparently have what I have come to call "little sister syndrome". Those of you who have older siblings probably know the feeling--that want to be a part of something bigger or better but no one gives you a chance at it. Hell, they rarely give you a second glance. And attempts at saying "hello? Please notice me?" are met with the proverbial pat on the head. As in, it's ok little girl.

There are some out there who'd just tell me to roll with it. But I'm tired of not being taken seriously simply because I'm small and female. Anyone else out there have this problem?

Stay tuned.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

#334: suggestions

It's getting more and more difficult to look Dent in the eye. Not that I've ever really been all that great at looking people in the eye; I find faces harmless enough, but distracting, and so I look elsewhere when they're speaking to me. But figuratvely speaking it has been increasingly difficult. Because I have been less than honest. Oh, I haven't lied, per se. More a matter of omission. I've kept up with appearances because I don't want anything to distract him from getting his schooling done.

Instead, I've been gradually nudging him away. Or "weaning" him away from me. It's been mere hints; nothing obvious. I say things like "When you finish, you can get a better job, doing something you enjoy more. And live wherever you want".

Wherever YOU want. Not where WE want. I've been encouraging him to find his own interests and his own friends. In the hope that maybe, just maybe, he won't fall apart if I left.... We can only hope.

The weirdness at my end has spread. Things are being suggested to me, that I haven't heard anyone suggest in a long, long time. I'm not quite sure what to make of these suggestions. It's a bit difficult to describe without being graphic on what is supposed to be a family-friendly site. Also, it's difficult to determine if these suggestions will ever be acted on, or if the person is even serious about them (they live a bit far away to just "pop in" without some sort of notice). I've already been asked a couple of times, over the course of knowing this person, and turned it down each time due to one reason or another. I don't know if I've given this person the incentive to ask a third time.

And then, there's the "do I WANT to do these things that have been suggested" angle.

Oddly enough, it's been tempting.

The trees have finished leafing out, finally, and my maters have actually started growing. If I can just keep them going long enough, we may actually have some to harvest in a few months (or less, the biggest plant looks like it's trying to form flower buds already.) I doubt I'll end up with enough to can, but you never know. The peppers are a mixed lot; the cayenne's look ok, but the jals I had to re-seed, as the ones I transplanted looked a bit sickly. I replanted the thyme, and it's sprouted fairly well. The basil looks a bit thin, but maybe it just hasn't all sprouted yet.

As I write, a gray and orange skink pokes a nose around the potted plants, and comes to the edge of the plastic tray, tiny tongue flicking out. It decides it doesn't like the look of my feet propped up on the board next to it, and moves across the concrete block to a opening in the side. I hear it moving through the dried leaves by the car port.

"Mind the black snake," I tell it. Yes, we have one of those, too. Over the winter it'd been camped out in the well house (the neighbor had put a heater in there to keep the pump from freezing), but now with warmer weather, it decided it needed a summer home, and so now there's a rather large snake hole out back, on the tree line. Hey, as long as it's keeping the mousie population in check (and not coming IN the house!), it's fine by me.

Stay tuned.

Friday, May 6, 2016

#333: asking for directions

Wednesday night, we had a conversation, Dent and I, around the dinner table.

This past couple of weeks have been, to put it mildly, confusing--there are dreams I don't know how to interpet, and names and places keep appearing in unexpected places. I am feeling the pull, finally, and I don't understand why it is pulling me in the way that it is.

"So what's going to happen when you finish school, if you have to go in the opposite direction that I want to go?" I asked. "Will you be ok?"
Dent looked at me. "Do I have a choice?" he asked.

Well, yes, you do. I thought. You could fall apart, which is what I suspect you'd do if I left right now.....

"Brenda'd [the landlady] would be worried about me," he said then.
"Well, yes. She'd be thinking the same thing as I do--if I died tomorrow, you'd be SO screwed."
"I would not. There's always Taco Bell. And canned soup."

That wasn't what I meant, but ok.

"The only thing I have to work on is making sure I get up on time in the morning. For the most part, I've managed to do that. Hell, my family would never believe you got me trained to hear the alarm clock. Before I met you, other people had to wake me up because I wasn't hearing it!"

"That's because I put it on the other side of the room. When you physically have to get up to turn it off, your brain 'learns' to hear it when it goes off. "

We munched our dinner in silence then.

"What would you do if I'm ready to leave before you are?" he asked me later that evening.
I had to think a moment. Because I couldn't really see that happening. And I wanted to be tactful. "It would be hard, but I'd get by, as long as you were where you needed to be....." and then that got me thinking.

I've always been of the opinion that things happen for a reason. There was a reason that I "found" Dent 10 years after bumping into him at a SCA event. It could be my purpose was to help him get where he needed to be. Because quite frankly, he did not need to be in the house I found him in. That he'd lived in for those 10 years. Dead end job, barely making it in in the mornings.

It could be the direction I'm being pulled in is to help me get where I need to be.
Unfortunately, I've never been good at interpreting signs, so I am, as usual, unsure that what I'm seeing is what is really there.

It's sort of like when you're driving someplace new, and you think you maybe might kind of know where you may end up but you'll never be sure till you pull up at your final destination. Because the map you're using was printed up 5 years ago and you were too cheap to buy another one, and nothing looks like you'd think it is supposed to.

Too bad there isn't a place where I can stop n' ask directions......

Starting to feel the "pull". And it's scaring the hell out of me.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

#332: A tribe of loners

So some very generous folks have decided they want to live out in the boonies of NE Georgia, and have bought the property. While the proceeds aren't enough for me to retire necessarily (Especially once the IRS decides to claim their part of it),  it does give me the chance to take some time off from working for a few weeks, possibly the summer. What will I do with myself, when I don't have to be up at the crack of dawn, pushing hamburgers?

Sadly, I haven't figured this out quite yet. It's just one question of many in my life right now.

It's got to the point I don't really know who I am any more. If I ever really knew to begin with. My opinion of myself has always been colored by the opinions given to me by those around me. Opinions which, while I don't think they're necessarily wrong....really aren't who I feel like I am as a person. I have done things. I'm a human being, not a saint.

I find myself alone quite often. And 99% of the time I don't mind it.... The trouble arises on that 1% when I don't want to be alone and can do nothing about it. Because I have grown to dislike being around people. And NOT being lonely involves being around them. But not being around people means being isolated. Which makes me lonely at times. It's a circular pattern I've grown accustomed to.

I am, apparently, only happy when I am unhappy. 

What is wrong with me?

A better question would be more like, "What is NOT wrong with me?" You could argue that'd be better to ask as it'd be a more positive question....

I would argue it is better simply because it's a shorter list to get through.

What, then, have I got right in this life? I am living in a singlewide mobile home in a virtual "dead zone" (internet, cell phone coverage, etc), with a college degree I can't use. And a man I'm not even sure I love any more. So at the moment the answer would probably be: not much.

Perhaps I am approaching this at the wrong angle. Before I can figure out what I am, perhaps I need to figure out what I am *not*. But I'm not sure even of this. I don't remember much of what I used to like to do, even, besides grow things in buckets. And have my nose shoved in a book. Surely I had more hobbies than this?

If I stop to think about what makes me, me..... it's like I'm a total blank. Even my feelings. I don't know how I even feel most days.

So who am I, really?

Is there anyone else out there who feels as I do? (or not feels, as the case may be)