Because bad taste is better than no taste at all.....

Thursday, September 7, 2017

#350: Labour Day

Labour day has come and gone, and the Bucketgarden is no more. My next task is to sort the potted plants, to determine which will be going up to the school, and which are staying with me. The ones that are staying will be dusted with insecticide before being brought inside. I found the pepper spray was ineffective; in fact, the hornworms decided they liked hot stuff enough that the habeneros were fair game. I found one half-eaten hot pepper and the next day I caught this fellow returning to the scene of the crime. Normally I don't bother with these--by the time I find them the wasps have already laid eggs on them, and they're really just there for the leaves. But when you start eating peppers, you're asking for it!

The next couple of days will also be a time of picking through winter clothing, deciding what to wash and put up in the closet, and what, if anything, I can get rid of. Also picking through some odds and ends for a former co-worker, some toys for her little ones to play with. So that should also clear up some space.

We managed to miss a lot of Harvey, just some rain. But Irma may provide a bigger punch these next few days. So I will also have to "Batten down the hatches" the next day or two.

Stay tuned.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

#349: Timeflows

Felt a bit "off" the other day, restless and disturbed. I came to the realization it had been a couple of weeks since I had visited the creek, so I went to rectify this.

The path down to the water was rather overgrown; I pulled a few things and took a step in. I cleared my mind a bit and instead took notice of all that was around me. The minnows were bigger now, and the jewelweed was starting to bloom. I'll have to go down there with the camera on a day when I can stay longer, to see if I can catch a hummingbird sticking its nose in.

I was struck at how life seems to be moving both fast and slow for me. Fast, in that time is running short, and the year is beginning to wane. But slow, in that very little seems to be changing in my own life.

I spent Monday afternoon indoors, watching the eclipse on TV.... It wasn't a total one where I live and I wasn't expecting the weather to cooperate, so why not? So I sat and watched, and time flowed much as the stream does, inexorable and steady. deceptively slow, yet "time is up" way too quickly.

The next few weeks and months will be the turning-point, the wheel-spin's arrival. I can, I *must* decide which way the path needs to go. Evidently I have spent too long asking for opinions and advice, from those who either do not wish to give it, or cannot.

Time to stand up on my hind paws, dust my whiskers off of those who can't/won't help, and get on with things.

Stay tuned.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

#348: Lost

Somewhere a Sassafrass is getting a head start on fall.....

I lost my feelings long ago. It seemed a few weeks past I had started to find them again. I had started to feel, and I wasn't sure what I was feeling. But now they've faded again, from disuse. They have gone back to sleep, until such time as you choose to whistle them up again. It's been difficult to deal with having lost so much, and then got tempted to maybe regaining some of it again.

I am also missing some people in my life--an Aunt I lost track of died a couple of years ago, and a school chum has, seemingly, fallen off the face of the earth. I snooped around and found a semi-recent photo taken at some convention or other. She was smiling and, it is to be hoped, content. Obviously doing all right, and not needing anything, or anyone, from her old life. I wrote her a letter several months ago. I received neither a reply nor it returned. That was answer enough.

And then there is the lost time. I am losing track of time at an alarming rate; it seemed like only the other day Dent and I had decided a change would happen once the Megs finished school (Megs graduates next year--we made this decision nearly 4 years ago....)

I appear to be stronger, and more aware, and more in tune to myself. Yet I am also more lost than ever.....

A few weeks ago I lay out the old furniture blanket I keep always in the trunk of my car, and set the old umbrella on it. I stared up at the trees overhanging me, framing the blue sky. Summer is now 2/3 gone, and I have done little for myself. Still wanting to lean in the original direction, but getting mixed messages about doing so. Although I still have some time left, the deadline is rapidly approaching. Are you with me? Or are you going to continue to let me fumble by myself, lost as I am?

It is fear that holds me now--not fear of change, for that is inevitable--but the fear that, no matter which direction I go, it will be wrong. That there is no right path to take out of the woods. The breadcrumbs were all eaten a long time ago; and the stones I placed as markers were all washed away when the creek rose.

If you are out there, please find me.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

#347: Summertime

The paper grocery bags sitting under the dining room table remind me I have more things I need to sift, both the physical ones and mental ones.

Some days it seems almost the uphill battle--I find homes for things, and Dent gets 4 packages in the mail with stuff he's ordered.

Come the moving day, however, those things will not be my problem. I'm looking to narrow my own stuff down to fit in a pick up truck or (at the most) a small moving van ( I doubt a full sized U Haul will fit back here in the sticks, narrow driveway.) This may or may not include furniture.

Of course, I might not go anywhere. It is literally in the air at the moment. I have.....I guess you could say "sampled" an option.... but my instincts are silent as to whether or not this is the right direction to go in. I have nothing to go on in the physical world, nor is my "gut" talking. I am in the dark here. Some days it seems it is the way to go--but then the silence at the other end of the line kicks in and I find I am literally talking to myself. So I guess it will have to wait till it's down to the wire. Not the way I wanted life to roll--I don't do things on impulse--it never ends well. I am "flirting with disaster", as the old song goes.

It has kept me up nights, and I suspect I'll be up a few more from now until then.

In the mean time, there is trailwork to do. Yesterday I talked Dent into helping a group up at old Grandfather mountain. There were water diversions to dig, and stones to move, and things to clip back. We came home covered in earthy red clay (it rained fairly heavily the night before) and tired. I was proud of Dent at the amount of work he showed he could do. I think he understands how much work goes into it, now.

I don't expect to get much sleep July 4th. The asshole up the road was up till 4 am on new years, setting off fireworks, and I can fully expect a repeat performance. Because heaven forbid anyone would have to work early the next day.  I can only wish missing fingers and a trip to the emergency room. Thank goodness for earplugs and a good fan to drown out at least some of the noise.  At the moment I am struggling to figure out what to do on that day--Dent is off work that week and I will have to think of things to do so that we don't annoy each other too much.

I expect to be spending a fair amount of time outside, doing gardening stuff that I've been putting off for far too long.

Stay tuned!

Monday, June 5, 2017

#346: Letting Go

This afternoon was spent sifting through photographs posted on FB. Of my child. At Disneyworld. She's 17.

It feels almost unreal, seeing her with her father and stepmom.

I hear it from other people from time to time. "How could you give up your child? I could never do that!"

I admit, it was difficult. I cried myself to sleep the night she left that final time, 13 years ago. I've cried myself to sleep many nights since then. It's never an easy thing to give up your child, whether it's adopting them out, or in my case, surrendering them to the other parent because you know--you *know*-- you can never care for them the way they need to be taken care of. Sometimes being an adult is knowing your limits. Sometimes "doing the right thing" is the opposite of what people expect you to do.

I gave up trying to justify it a long time ago. All I know in my heart, is that had she stayed with me, I couldn't have guaranteed her a "normal" childhood. Because I have no clue what that is. Could I have kept her? Certainly. But would she have the same opportunities  she is currently able to have?


Sometimes letting go is the greatest love of all.