Because bad taste is better than no taste at all.....

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

#361: Ghosts

I check the weather for what seems to be the umpteenth time. 40s for a low, near 70 for a high tomorrow. I feel a vague sense of dejavu, just one more night my mind says, and it will start being warm again. My mind has been saying "one more night" for several weeks now, ever since it was in the upper 70's and then dropped again.

But an afternoon drive found me spotting periwinkle growing along the sides of the road, and the first stirrings of dogwood flowers are beginning to show, so I hope one could safely assume spring is here at last. Or at least a facsimile thereof.

I saw a Name on a site that reminded me of you. Even after I have given up and purged you from my life, you find another way to invade my mind. Somehow I doubt this is really you; or if it is, that you reply to the message I had left. The unanswered emails months back told me all I needed to know. You seemed to be getting on quite well without me, thankyouverymuch.....

Yet I had to try, one last time.....

Last week had me wandering the park for an hour or two. The weather was overcast and wind just cool enough to be uncomfortable. I took a few photographs of the water (very few flowers yet) and left. I hope to gather  more images soon. Easter is coming up in a few days.

I have had mixed success with the sprouts. Some of the larger ones were transplanted into their own little pots and are getting bigger. A few got transplanted today, into clay pots to put outside when the time is right.  I need more of the little plastic pots for the rest.

At present, I am sitting in the dark trying to type. Today was mostly cloudy and an all around good day to just hide under a blanket. I suspect I fell asleep at one point, the old hibernatory nature kicking in, one last time....

Seems like whenever I exercise a ghost, it still haunts me a little for a while.

"..........Now if I keep my eyes closed, he looks just like you...but he'll never stay. They never do..." 

This time change has been steadily kicking my ass. I have made an effort to be awake and out of bed by 8 am, in the hopes that the evenings will be less empty, sleep is a welcome respite from lying awake wondering what the hell happened to your life, what the hell you did wrong. Yet the ghosts remain. I still feel like that lost child out in the snow, cold and alone.

It hasn't gotten any easier these past couple of weeks, with the steadily growing knowledge that I'm going to have to make a move pretty darn soon, and will be breaking at least one more heart in the process (not mine. I haven't much of one left to break any more.)  I've thrown out a few more lines, and reeled in a couple more possibilities, but no telling if they are the right ones.

The whole thing resembles the ending credits to a movie, one I hadn't seen all the way through or had even really heard of. Unfortunately, there is no rewind button on this, so I can't figure out what it is I am missing. But missing something, nonetheless, is where I am at.

That unsettling feeling when you watch an old TV show or movie, and realize 75% of the actors on it are dead already. And then realize life is very similar; that what was once, is no longer.

If that makes any sense at all.

"...........And if I keep my eyes closed, he feels just like you. But you've been replaced, I'm face to face with someone new..." 

It's gotten to the point where I don't know whether to laugh or cry, pull my hair in frustration, or dance under the moon. Or possibly all four things at once. I am still drifting. Like the ghosts I am trying to escape.

I wonder, am I a ghost to you, too? Do I enter your mind at the oddest moments? You start to say "I bet Kraneia would like this..." and then you remember. You remember. Do I intrude on your thoughts? Good. Do I haunt your dreams? Even better.

Don't even try to forget..... you will fail.........


*Lyrics are from Eyes Closed, by Halsey

Sunday, March 18, 2018

#360: pausing for the disclaimer

Seems like no matter how many times you say "Don't know what you got till you lose it", it's always a surprise when it finally happens. Like it's such a shocker to some people when you throw your hands up in the air and walk away, both literally and mentally.

I'm still a touch confused. Even after plenty of warning. All those hints. What, do people think I'm joking? That I'm bluffing? Maybe they didn't know me near as well as they thought they did--and since they didn't seem to want to make an effort to correct this.... Well, there ya go. That's too bad. Too bad, and too late.

All relationships--friend, family, whatever--all of them work the same way: it takes both of you to maintain said relationship. If you both don't work at it, sooner or  later someone's going to take their ball and go home.

Which is what I have ended up doing.

I reevaluated my current relationships that I had no time for-and those who had no time for me. Kind of like thinning the herd, but maybe kinder, because that means I can get on with things, and you can, too.

Scary, but liberating, to say the least.

Some folks out there are probably looking at one another and saying "who, me?"
If you had to ask, then probably yes. Yes, you.

I've been known to bend over backwards for friends and those I care about.

I stop bending after a while, for those who don't reciprocate. You were warned.

A final note:
The next time someone offers their heart to hold.... don't hesitate too's a limited time offer, and once it's withdrawn, it isn't repeated.

And now... on with the show....

A quick hint of spring...the violets are starting to appear. Despite the chance for maybe a wintery mix this week, I think the season has turned, and warmer weather is slowly appearing more often.

Stay tuned.


Monday, March 12, 2018

#359: mcgalliard falls

Valdese, NC

Meytre Grist Mill, built 1906
(rebuilt 1982)
McGalliard Falls
McGalliard Falls

McGalliard Creek

Saturday, March 3, 2018

358: Hair doodads

Over the course of a week, I have found random odds and ends that could go into a Goodwill box. And somehow I managed to fill up a box all by myself.

"With what?" asked Dent.

Just random assorted things. A couple of old shirts I hadn't worn in a couple of years, and an old pillow, and a loseleaf notebook I was no longer using. Stuff like that. Couple more stuffed animals. Some old drinking glasses with cartoon characters (that you can pretty much still buy at any flea market)

The Thinning is continuing apace, and it isn't just stuff that I'm doing away with.

The separation I was dreading is in the process of occurring--whether those separated realize it yet, time will only tell. It may become more painful yet.

In other news, I think Mother Nature is fooling with the thermostat. Last week it was in the 60's, this week it's the 60's and 50's. But two weeks ago it was close to 80 for a high, and we had to try out the A/C to make sure it would work.

I have found that camillas make good hair dodads. I have this weird habit of sticking flowers in my hair pretty much every chance I get. Since my hair has gotten longer, I've been able to do more with it. If only it didn't have a mind of its own....