Because bad taste is better than no taste at all.....

Thursday, December 17, 2015

#330: 12/17/15

So here we are, near the end of the year, and the old-year feelings have started in again. Part of the blame rests on the weather; it has been raining steadily all day, and promises to leave more before the clouds move on again. I don't know if I have SAD or what, but there is something about the time of year that makes me want to curl up and sleep for the most part. That "raccoon" thing kicking in hard and heavy again.

I went down to the creek this morning, dressed in poncho and black boots (no socks) to study the water. It was the color of the red clay that no doubt all the rain has driven from the banks, and higher than normal. I found another heart-rock; this one is smaller than the others I have found, and darker brown. I will have quite the collection by the time I am done.

I went on a rain-walk because I needed to think. There are things that are happening I did not forsee last year at this time, things strange and complicated. I wished for the weirdness to return; it is starting to make its appearance known once again, and this time, I am not sure what to do with it. But one step at a time; one day at a time. One solution at a time. All I succeeded in doing however, was wetting the ends of my pants-legs. There are things to do before I can make a decision, and these things must be put off for a time. Hurry-up-and-wait all over again.

I have managed to get a few things done; not least was the receipt of my birth certificate, which I hadn't seen before. I have taken a few more odds and ends to Goodwill. Last night I thinned out some things that could be thrown away (mostly paper), and pulled out some things that can be put in the neighbor's "burn barrel" (bills, bank statements, etc) The intent of all this is to condense and reduce, to make things easier to transport (or store) if/when the time comes. My next major goal is to get that passport photograph done, and see what else I need for it.

This day ends what passes for a "weekend" for me, as I am mostly reduced to working on weekend mornings. I can't complain as I would rather open than close anyhow. Still, this is not what I wanted to do with my life. Perhaps this aspect will change, as well.  

I turn 41 in January. Time is ticking. It is moving, even when I am not.

Thanksgiving slipped through almost unnoticed. The Megs was down, and she was somewhat nonplussed to find I'd already put up the Christmas tree. But really, she'd shown almost no interest in it last year; so I felt it was safe to do so. We got a new tree this year. it's one of those pre-lit things, but I still put lights on it. Christmas will no doubt be a quiet day for us. The store is closed that day, and Dent is off all next week. It will be all I can do not not express my irritation while he is home.

Part of the problem is the changes are in fog. Have I changed? Or has he? Or have we both, and gone in different directions? If this is the case, he cannot see it, and this will only make the end harder to accomplish. He is trying, but there comes a point where trying just isn't enough. Call it chemistry, or feelings, or just the ability to get it together.  It just isn't.....there...any more.

I honestly don't know what to do. Talking does little difference; it is in one ear and out the other, or he shuts down completely, shuts it out. I had to have an emotional breakdown to get him to listen to the last "talk" we had; I refuse to do this again.

I am still a bird beating against the glass; although I am starting to see the crack at the bottom, where someone is maybe trying to open it for me. Only time will tell if that gap becomes enough to wing my way through.

Stay tuned.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

#329: 11/04/15

The reply to the text was abrupt .Who is this it read, and I had to smile. So he's going to be that way about it. Well. Goodbye. It was nice talking to you. I thought I'd give you a chance at a 'normal' conversation. Thanks anyway. I almost added too bad, you were kind of cute, but thought that would be pushing it and more than likely a waste of time. I don't know what sort of response I had been expecting. Maybe a no, can we please still talk? . All this went down in September.

So the other day I finally deleted the number, along with some other ones cluttering up my phone. There was no indication he still had mine or that he wanted to talk to me any more.

Halloween was a non-day for me. It being a Saturday, I of course had to be at work at 5 am to cook breakfast, so my idea for a costume consisted of cat ears. The boss showed up as a big piece of candy corn--Being pregnant, it was about the only costume that would fit. I still thought she was cute. 

Thanksgiving is now in the works--the Megs will be visiting, and this adventure apparently has me heading towards Atlanta to pick her up. I'm not too thrilled about this, but I'm going along with it to keep the peace.

I went to the park last week, to see how the leaves were changing. I got a few good photographs.  I was hoping to take some more this week, but it's been raining pretty much these past few days and not really worth getting wet for.  Perhaps in a couple of days it will dry out enough for a little hike up the hill again.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

#328: What am I thinking?

Another raccoon attribute seems to be that we seem to get into things that maybe aren't so good for us. Well, I have gotten into something that would make many raise their eyebrows and ask what I am thinking?

An interesting statement, that. "What were you thinking?" is something you ask when it was a bad idea, and you're trying to comprehend what made the person do it. Usually the reply is something to the effect, "Well, I guess I wasn't thinking at all..." but you know that is a lie--they had to have been thinking something.

In my case, I perhaps thought it was a good idea at the time? Me, who has always boasted about common sense, and all that.... But not showing much at the present time.

It seems like all the interesting times in my life have been when the weirdness enters. I seem to remember wishing the weirdness to return, and it appears to be. But not necessarily for the right reasons. But this weirdness is a delicious feeling, compared to the last few weeks. It is very difficult to stop. And I don't know, honestly, which direction it will go, if indeed it will go any where at all.

Sadly, this isn't the first time I have done this. The last time did not end so well; you'd think I would have learned my lesson.... But this... this just FEELS different. Even though I know it cannot end any better than the first time I tried it... I am hearing all the right things, and know enough to not take it too much as I'd like to... it is difficult to not get hooked on. It's like an addiction you're standing on the edge of. You know better, yet why not? 

I'm seeing the chance to change me, to be what I want to be emotionally, yet it might not be so good for others involved. So I am torn--To me, or not to me?

Stay tuned.

Monday, October 12, 2015

#327: the missing piece

I look up past the tarp covering the metal frame over my head. The tarp is blue and almost matches the sky peeking through the tree branches that are now beginning to decorate themselves with yellow leaves. There's sweet gum trees, and oak, and something that I think might be a persimmon, but have never got close enough to see if any fruit falls from it. Pretty soon it will be time to take the tarp down for the winter, and put away the folding chairs, and the cushions. I still haven't found a home for those plants yet.

At the moment, I'm hearing several noises--that of the music on my computer, and the breeze moving the wind chime about 8 feet away. I'm also hearing the neighbor's lawn mower. I'll be hearing ours once Dent gets home; I suppose our yard could do with a trim, if only to chew up the leaves that have fallen over the past week or so. Autumn is officially here, says the coolness in the air.

Tomorrow evening I go back to work. I'm a bit peeved they have scheduled me at night again. It's almost adding insult to injury when I open mainly only on the weekends (the other openers claim they don't have childcare--I don't buy this. More like they're too good to work weekends....)

I'm still puzzling in my head, about things people have lately said to me. People whom I have never met in real life and so should have no bearing on my daily life. Yet they do. I think about them all the time. And why they say the things they do.  Things I should be hearing from people who are actually a part of my life, but don't say them at all.

..............Almost as if there's a piece of me missing, that these online strangers are holding on to, that I didn't know was missing. And unfortunately, knowing now that it was missing, I cannot reach it, either with the ones in my own life, or the strangers waving that piece in front of my virtual nose. It is almost painful, these things people say. Yet I do not want it to stop, because the illusion is often stronger than reality.

It is both wonderful and horrible at the same time.

There is perhaps a faint part of me that, having seen what others are capable of doing, hope to find it again, this thing that I did not know I had lost. It's a bit like pulling away a band-aid--there is something new to be found, if only you can get past the pain of getting there.

I don't know if you folks out there are really getting what I am trying to say.

But I know no other way to express it.

Stay tuned.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

#326: This time of year

I love this time of year. The mushrooms seem to come out of nowhere. These look a little bit different than the ones I spotted last year. Some people have a problem with these, and don't want them growing in the yard. I find though, if you leave them alone, they aren't around for very long. They'll turn black in a week or two, and ooze back into the ground.  
 It's been a good day to drag out the old camera and get a few "snaps" in. I was impressed on how some of them turned out, since my camera doesn't always pick up small things like it should.

I spent this morning picking up some of the stuff left over from the storm, and putting things out I'd put away, and putting things UP that didn't need to be out. Then I pulled out the broom and swept around the picnic table. It was at that point I found Scratch's house all covered in leaves and things, and realized she needed a hand in cleaning up her yard, too. So I got to work, and it didn't take too long.  

I also cleaned up my "moss garden", which was a lot greener underneath the fallen leaves. All that rain from last week really perked the green stuff up.

Stay tuned!