I am conscious of time passing, and a few things that I have been waiting on to happen have come and gone. This has been helpful in some respects, as some of these things have counted as stages, as relays, to what will be the next phase of my life. Some days it seems like I've got it almost figured out.
Then the sun rises again, and I am no closer to the door than I was before. I am confused or changing my mind. Or both. The former is caused by others around me, and the latter caused mainly by myself. But, I have only a year, and time is ticking.
It is time to make those "short lists".
I have adopted a rule that is simple, and another that is not so much.
1) The Simple one: If it hasn't been used in a year, it no longer brings joy, and must be discarded, sold, or given a good home.
The second rule is more difficult as it involves those around me and will take longer to sort out.
2) Those who make an effort to stay in my life in the present, will pass along with me in the future.
Those who do not, I will have to leave behind.
There are some who will, no doubt, be hurt when I vanish.
But on some I have already given up on. And moved on. And made other plans. In this order.
I apologize in advance.
As I'm pondering all this, I'm looking out the bedroom window. The sky is a perfect blue, sort of like the old days when you'd flip the TV to channel 3 but you hadn't put in the VCR tape yet, and the screen was blue. A bit like that. I have this nagging feeling that I should go out and cut back the pampas grass while it's still somewhat cool but not absolutely freezing. The snow at the beginning of January has left behind brown clumps with sharp edges, ugly and winter-like in their deadness, the tips just popping up in a wave in front of the window against the winter sky.
Instead, I stick food in the oven to cook, and wiggle Dent's toes where he's dozed off on the couch. I get an "uhmhmm" that drifts back into a snore.
How mundane. January and February seem to be the "time loop" months, when nothing happens and nothing seems to want to. But I want something to happen. Just have to channel that restlessness into something else.............but I don't know how..........
It's sort of like I'm groping in the dark but I don't know what it is I'm reaching for, so I don't know how to grasp it fully.