I wanted my life to get weird again, and it looks like I may soon get my wish.
But what the hell?
Am I insane?
I'd have to be, to consider what I'm considering.
Change has always been a scary thing in my life. Partially because I never know what exactly will be on the other side of the door when I open it. And partially because changes have never ever ended well for me. Ever. Usually the change is for someone else's life, which always gets easier, while mine gets a thousand million times more difficult than it has to be. Now I'm contemplating a change of my own, on my own. I don't know if I will float or sink like a stone, or where the ripples will go, or if I will make much of a splash in other people's lives around me.
We'll pause here to state that I haven't been sleeping much due to the stress, and I'm scared shitless.
Dent knows, of course, that I'm contemplating this change. We've both seem to have come to the same conclusion, that we're drifting in different directions, and that for all practical purposes, we're merely room mates now. I honestly thought he'd take it harder than he has (although he may just be putting a brave face on things, I don't know). Life has been surprisingly normal. I still have to roll him out of bed in the morning, but he's been getting to work and school on time when I thought he'd be falling apart by now. I make sure to tell him I'm proud of him often (I am).
I have been at my current address close to 9-10 years. I've worked at BK for 5. Corning was 4. I was married for 4, and I've been here with Dent roughly 8. I lived in Tn about 4 years. I've been back in NC about 12. I left Ga almost 30 years ago and haven't looked back. My life has been defined by long blocks of time, so when the change comes, it comes hard and fast and I don't do anything half-assed or on impulse.
Part of what is scaring me most about this change is the amount of pull I'm feeling to move in this direction. Yet the pull comes and goes--some days I feel like I'm not wanted in that direction at all, or that life is merely humoring me and giving me a pat on my head, waiting on me to change my mind yet again and do something different altogether. But then the pull reemerges. Names pop up again, people and places and things, in this direction. And I don't know what to think.
"Do what you need to do for you." I hear this again and again.
I am going to attempt to do so.
But I don't know what I'll find once I open that door...