Because bad taste is better than no taste at all.....

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

#336: Filling in the Blanks

A couple of weeks ago, as we sat at the kitchen table after 11 pm munching spaghetti, Dent told me that if it wasn't for me, he "Wouldn't be here", meaning he'd still be stuck in that mold-trap of a duplex, eating junk food for dinner and no hope of advancement in his life.

Flattering, but not what I really wanted to hear.

I wanted to hear "Yes. I'm getting this whole school thing down and can see a way forward, I can see where I'm going in life". I had to remind him that what he's currently involved in (I E school) was for him, we weren't doing all this for me.

As I write this, he's in on his bed (his bed, not ours. Not any more.) dozing. He turned 51 the 10th. He'd looked at me and said, "You know what you can do for me on my birthday? Fix dinner like it's new year's. Because it's a new year for me...."

New years' dinner usually consists of ham, and collard greens, with cooked cabbage and blackeyed peas. And cornbread.

This was actually a sensible request, one I didn't mind fulfilling. Not some goofy tool he'd lose five minutes later (the neighbors actually filled in this blank, along with supplying a cake AND a glass pan of banana pudding.....)

I also made a pineapple upside down cake, for good measure.

He also finally noticed something. Finally. He noticed I'd changed our relationship status on FB to "It's complicated". "Honey," he said, "did you change your relationship status?"

I'd changed it to this, at least three months ago.

This time I managed to look him in the face. "Yes. Because it IS complicated."

Oddly enough, he agreed and didn't seem overly concerned. "Yes," he said. "It is complicated..."

Oh, if only you knew how complicated it is, and becoming more every day.

I've tried to simplify my life, and to some extent it's working. I have less stuff to deal with, and less stress, and have unloaded some people (mostly relatives) from my consciousness. But it isn't enough. I don't know what to do, to more forward.

Part of this involves other people. Some I'm waiting on, and some are apparently waiting on me. And I'm not sure which to choose--in either case, someone's going to get hurt. With each passing day it's like I'm going on false pretenses with the one, and the other, no doubt, thinks I'm out of my mind to not be able to make up my mind. I'm not sure there really is a right answer, unfortunately.

Never thought I'd come to the point where my life'd resemble some sort of soap opera.

People ask, What is it you want to do?" or "What is it you like to do?" and I can't answer either of these things any more. Seems like I used to know, but I don't even know who I am, what I am, any more, and seem incapable of figuring it out. My mind is a complete utter blank. I am unable to see myself for what I am, because I am unable to take a step back and take a long objective look at myself.

I am beginning to suspect I am mentally and emotionally exhausted, from nudging Dent along and getting little in return. Oh, he says "whatever you end up doing, I'm behind." but truth be told, he has little of his own energy, else he wouldn't be taking so much of mine. And I don't think he even realizes he's doing it.

And at the moment, I am unable to leave, or even halt the drain. But what else can I do? I'm waiting on the Megs anyhow, so I wasn't planning on leaving. At least, not immediately.

I have spent the past week or so with the Megs, and am amazed at how much the adult she has become. She's picked up that I am changing, and that things are changing. Dent has adopted my usage of the term "roomie", and she's picked up on this, as well. I had to ask Dent, truly and honestly, should someone ask, what do I say? Is it like, "yeah. I'm with someone at the moment, but we sleep at different ends of the house"? He seems to have accepted the whole roommate idea, but it's hard to tell whether he's really accepted it or just put a brave face on it for the sake of the Megs. But whatever. Maybe if I keep introducing it, a little at a time, the shock will be less if I did leave.........

I also got to meet my grand-niece for the first time. I'm conscious on how much time has passed, is passing, and how much more will slip away before I can do anything.

Time to fill in some blanks.

Stay tuned.

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