Because bad taste is better than no taste at all.....

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

#300: circles

So here I sit, here at IAIA on my 300th post. And it's a little over a week before I turn 40. I get the same feeling I get pretty much every year at this time, that I have accomplished nothing. That I am nothing. This feeling will pass. 

The story I've been working on has stopped and started, like crosstown traffic on a Friday afternoon, one of those afternoons where the semi overturns in the middle of rush hour and only one lane is open. You're getting there, but slowly. A lane shift, and another paragraph is complete. One. It is a slow painful process, as I try to work out what flows and what doesn't, and I attempt to paint in words what a brush would never do in my hands. I briefly wondered what it'd sound like as an audiobook, with maybe Maggie Smith narrating it (yeah, it's one of those sort of books that can only be properly be read out loud with some sort of accent.) All with the horrible thought that in truth, I really don't know who I'm aiming the story at, or that anyone will even bother reading it, or worse, it will be read and disliked. Hopefully, this too shall pass.

"Please? Just one photograph?"
"Oh, all right. But just one...."
This past holiday season has held a few surprises, mostly from my daughter. It's a bit disconcerting to know that not only does my 14 year old know who Cthulhu is, she is a self professed "Cumberbitch" (after telling me last visit she found the actor 'creepy'. Go figure.) She can also apparently understand the college-level chem book Dent bought her as a Christmas present. And she's 14. *I* didn't understand the book, and I've *been* to college. Somehow this frightens me more than the other two items. Not that she's wicked smart--I knew that from the instant the nurse handed her to me...but that the sky will literally be the limit for her, as long as she keeps going and doesn't let any one stand in her way. It's scary because it's SO tempting to listen to what other people say... I am scared she will fall and settle for what others other words, turn out like me.  

Here. Have a shelf-fungus that looks like a sea shell.
Just because.  
I've been holding my breath these past few years, but now I am running out of air. I'm stifling. Suffocating. I know part of it is the waiting. I get antsy every few years, that "time to move on" feeling that always signals a big change when I finally DO something....Part of it is the weather--I'm already anticipating the below freezing temps we're supposed to be getting the next couple of days. But the former thing I can't change, yet.... and the latter I will have to wait for it to change on its own. 

And so here I sit, alone at home on a Tuesday afternoon. 

My life is a blank page, apparently... slowly loading on dial-up. 

Pretty soon it's going to be time to refresh the page. When it does, you're going to see some changes.... if only I could find the right button to refresh.....


No comments:

Post a Comment

comments are moderated, so please be patient and submit only once ;)