Because bad taste is better than no taste at all.....

Monday, December 6, 2010

Happy Holidays, Y'all.

So the other day I realized something that you may not think is important, but I think is rather disturbing.

On your next trip to the grocery store (or big box store), check out the mags that are up at the registers. Specifically, the cooking/home journal kind of mags. A lot of them have Paula Deen on the cover. She's always got some sort of smile on her face, as well as some sort of food she's prepared for the magazine.

Notice anything about the photographs? They're remarkably consistent for someone who's 63.....All with that big toothy grin and the deer-in-headlights expression.

Plastic surgery? Nope.


"Braaaaaains!"

   I  don't think she's human. She's either a zombie, with her lines carefully dubbed in by a voice actor ("cause it ain't nothin' to talk like you're from the south, y'all!"), or she's some sort of food vampire.... deriving sustenance from her "gator tail" recipies to remain forever young.... I wonder what would happen should she catch sight of herself in a mirror? Would there be a reflection? Or would she, like the infamous Dorian Grey, melt away into a heap o'gravy and cornbread stuffin'?  

Inquiring minds want to know.

Ms. Deen sneaks up on her next victim...
Even her public appearances are questionable, at best, I mean, what REALLY is in what she's putting in that casserole dish??? One can almost hear the theme from "Jaws" in the background as she whips out the pen and feverishly signs autographs in her latest book, 1001 Ways To Cook Innards.

Speaking as one "Georgia Peach" to another (born Alpharetta, Georgia, which ain't too far from 'Vannah, y'all) , allow me to say that the sweet lil southern gal act gets REAL old, REAL fast.  We're not fooled by your toothy grin--you are something that is not of this world--and we need to eradicate you before you convert any more legions into drooling, "chitlin"-munching, backwater zombies!

So I'm sending out the call to all monster hunters out there! If you have an overabundance of wooden stakes,  or just some silver bullets you need to be rid of (I'm covering all the bases here!),  give me a call. We'll do you up right here in Hicksville.

Brrrraaaiiinnnnsssss!

This has been a public service announcement from the NCSI.



(Photographs property of  respective owners. Ms Deen: If you thought this was funny, thank you. If you didn't, please don't come eat my brain! Or send your lawyers to eat my brain, either. Thank you!)


3 comments:

  1. Hahahahahha..youthful little food vampire...
    Good luck with her not eating your brains..
    BH

    ReplyDelete
  2. Never heard of Paula Deen before this post. And I already know how to cook all the things I like so I guess that Paula Deen will never mean shit to me.

    Wait, has she got nice tits?

    ReplyDelete
  3. That depends...you like large southern women? I don't plan on getting that close to the woman, myself. She might eat my braaaaaaaaaaaain :-D

    Aye,
    Scratch

    ReplyDelete

Let me have it!